Of Crossroads and Pivots

Most of us over the course of our lives have experienced some form of toxicity in a relationship be it at home, work, on a personal or professional level and have probably asked ourselves how did we get there or how can we leave or have recognised that we need to leave but are scared of what happens next! Fear of the unknown coupled with the uncomfortable comfort of the known. These concerns or thoughts become more profound when you have had a long relationship spanning years or even decades with whomever or whatever situation you are trying to leave behind. Most people when asked will tell you to just leave, but it is never that simple especially if it is all you have known as an adult and have a love/hate relationship. Over the last couple of years, I have found myself asking these same questions. How do I leave given the love/hate relationship I have, not to mention that my whole adult identity is tied to this very thing that is sucking the life and soul out of me? How do I leave the toxic profession that Nursing has become, when it is all that I have known but is no longer excited about, more so as a Black Nurse?

I have gained a lot in being a nurse and from nursing but at the same time nursing has taken a lot from me, sometimes I think more than I have gained. I recently came across a post on LinkedIn by a nurse, a proud one at that, who stated how nursing was and still is his whole identity and will forever be and I was conflicted because I understand his sentiment, as a nurse your whole life and identity revolves around nursing, how you act within and outside of work and how you are expected to live and interact with society. It's all consuming and the reason I am conflicted is because I currently have a love hate relationship with nursing. It's like that toxic partner that you are trying to leave but they keep reeling you back even though you know they are not good for you. Not good for your physical and mental health not to mention your financial health but they are comfortable, all you have known, familiar. Nursing doesn't love us Black nurses, be it our places of work, those we care for, our unions and even our governing body! That's a lot to deal with and one can't unsee the disdain and contempt and the appalling treatment we get. It's disheartening when you give 110%, when you look around and equitable healthcare, health services and work conditions are not afforded to those of us who are Black especially Black Women. Nurses be everywhere and that is a good thing given the diverse unique set of skills nurses have that are transferable to lots of industries. I can only be thankful for the opportunities, people and friends that I have had and met through my work as a nurse, the lives that have impacted mine and those that I have had the privilege of being a part of even though there have been days when I have questioned why I became a nurse. From the inequalities witnessed while training to the experience of racism and how widely it is embedded in everyday life, nursing notwithstanding.

Once again I find myself at a crossroad, needing to forge a new path ahead. I walk in grace and have faith that whatever path I choose at this season of my life, I will still advocate for nursing and nurses to be valued, especially Black nurses, as we are witnessing in real time the decline in health care services and patient outcomes due to how nursing and nurses and the brilliant work they do has been undervalued not only here in the UK but worldwide. As a service user myself having witnessed the health inequalities Black Patients experience firsthand, I will also still be a loud advocate for equity in healthcare for Black patients. Because racial weathering is a thing and racism does kill and should be a public health emergency, it's only fitting that I end with the words of Bossbabe.Inc: 

“ I’m shifting from my hustle era to: My balanced era. My soft era. My ‘nervous system is calm’ era. My ‘work smarter, not harder’ era. My ‘know my worth, regardless of results’ era.”